So, she's back again. Stupid as ever!!

Here is yet another TOTALLY REAL NEWS STORY THAT IS TOTALLY REAL:

Is it possible to go farther than rock bottom? Ask Keiko Matsume!
By Ned Plimpton
Important News Publication Daily

For reasons unknown, our publication decided to once again interview Failed J-Idol Extraordinaire: Keiko Matsume. After the debacle over her billboard last year, it's amazing that anyone would want to use her image on such an advert again, but sure enough, last Tuesday, a light cerulean-gradient billboard went up downtown, with five separate images of Miss Matsume plastered all over it.

The billboard owner in question, a local drug rehibilitation center, Pacific New Life Sparkle Center, was able to secure the prominent billboard location due to recent government funding allocated to fight the recent methlab outbreaks around town.

Bob Maplethorpe, general manager of the center, briefly spoke to us about their celebrity endorsement choice.

"We wanted to use Miss Matsume's image on our billboard in hopes that it would attract those like her; you know, people with big dreams, but no skill or talent to back it up. Spiraling into a hopeless depression, knowing full well that you will be a failure for the rest of your life, drugs and alcohol being your only friends."

We sat down for a short chat with Miss Matsume to ask her how she felt about the new billboard, and how things in her life have been going since her drug/murder convictions, and subsequent elusion of the feds in her Hello Kitty trailer.
(editor's note: It's a slow news week, okay?)

Miss Matsume seemed to be in very good spirits upon meeting us again. She was wearing a Hooters tank top, and what appeared to be a skirt made up of old scraps of days-of-the-week underwear. Miss Matsume was very excited about her return to the spotlight.

"So!! How do you like my new billboard for the fancy shmancy dayspa that's opening down the street?? Oh man, I hope they give me free exfoliators and stuff."

Upon learning that Pacific New Life Sparkle Center was not a dayspa, Miss Matsume responded:

"So... when am I getting paid? You know I gots ta' get paid, son."

Ignoring the sudden ebonics twang, we explained to her that because they're a non-profit organization, it was expected that she'd be doing the billboard pro-bono; being a [former] drug addict celebrity, public service ads like these are to be expected. Mr. Maplethorpe mentioned that Miss Matsume could use the billboard project towards the 387,922 hours of community service she was sentenced to, from her last string of offenses (Her 97 year prison sentence was waived by the prosecution, after countless inmates complained that they would sooner kill themselves with makeshift nooses and or blunt trauma to the head, rather than spend more than a day with "that obnoxious spaz". Others went on to say that if they didn't kill themselves, she probably would, being as emotionally unstable, yet very resourceful as she was. [During the few days that Miss Matsume was incarcerated, prison staff confiscated a mace, made of a loofah and finger/toenail clippings as well as her own mase sprayer, using nothing more than a douche dispenser and her own concoction of "various bodily fluids" gathered from around the prison.]), so she wouldn't be going away empty handed.

Miss Matsume then started shouting unintelligbly. She suddenly had a half-shattered bottle of gin in her hand. Through her slurred speech, we were able to record this much:

"WHAT THE FUCK [unintelligible] ...SOME WASHED UP EX-HUSBAND OF CHER WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING HE'S DEAD DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE NO CLASS???? ANYWAY I NEVER USED DRUGS THEY WERE ALL [unintelligble, also weeping] ...I THOUGHT IT WAS SHERBERT OKAY?? YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT. OH YEAH AND ANOTHER THING [unintelligable, also drooling] ...SO DON'T EVEN TALK LIKE I DIDN'T DO THE COMMUNITY ANY SERVICE AFTER I BURNED DOWN THAT ORPHANAGE. ANYWAY, YEAH, I WON'T BE GOING AWAY EMPTY HANDED [unintelligble, also intermittent barking] ...YEAH, SO YOU JUST ASK THE JUDGE WHAT HE SAID LAST NIGHT, HIS HAND WASN'T EMPTY I'LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH *WINKUWINKU*."

Quite frankly, it was rather impressive how Miss Matsume managed to inebriate herself within the few seconds that it took us to explain what Pacific New Life Sparkle Center was.

But then things a took a turn for the worse.

Miss Matsume lunged over the McDonalds counter, and tried to steal my wallet. It was at this point that the shift manager came out and scolded Miss Matsume for attacking a customer, not wearing the company issued uniform, and most importantly, obviously stealing money from the register.

"You can't prove anything."

When it was pointed out to Miss Matsume that she had five and ten dollar bills (among ones and twenties, as well) sticking out of the bust portion of her Hooters tank top, Miss Matsume was quick to explain herself.

"THIS IS A BIRTH DEFECT AND I'LL THANK YOU NOT TO MAKE FUN OF IT.

PS- THE BILLBOARD IS LIGHT TURQUOISE NOT CERULEAN. JESUS CHRIST LEARN YOUR COLORS YOU MORONS."

Miss Matsume then started going on about how the currency in her bra was, in fact, a breast cancer lump, and that she needed to get to the doctor immediately. She ran out of the McDonalds like a bunny, screaming something to the effect of:

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I'M DYING I'M DYING I NEED MEDICAL ASSISTANCE POST HASTE OR ELSE THEY WILL CHOP OFF MY BOOBS AND THEY'RE ALL I HAVE LEFT I DIDN'T EVEN GET PAST THE DOWNPAYMENT ON THESE THINGS"


And that was the last we saw of her.

The billboard is still up currently, however, Pacific New Life Sparkle Center was asked to append it, with a bounty notice and police phone number listed under Miss Matsume's photos.

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I'm tellin' ya, man: SHE IS POISED FOR A COMEBACK.

Apologies to those who are not fans of this stupid whore I promise the next two things I post (which includes my 100TH DEVIATION SPECTACULAR!!) will be of the cute-variety.